The Giant Chicken Heart That Ate Hogwarts
by JJ Rust
Summary: Draco Malfoy listens in horror as a monster rampages through Hogsmeade. What will he do when it reaches Hogwarts?


Draco Malfoy couldn't stop smiling. It didn't matter that a week had passed. He strutted through the Slytherin Common Room with a wicked grin plastered on his face. Why shouldn't he enjoy these memories? He loved to recall the reactions of the blood traitors on the Gryffindor Quidditch Team when he called that bushy-haired piece of filth Granger a Mudblood. And Weasel . . .

He snickered aloud, drawing looks from a few students sitting in the Common Room. Not that he cared. What happened to Weasel was one of the funniest things he'd ever seen. The idiot's curse backfiring, and him kneeling on the ground puking up slugs.

Malfoy laughed even louder as he headed for the boys' dormitory.

One more image played in his mind. It hadn't happened yet, but he knew it would. The first Quidditch match of the season, with him snatching the Golden Snitch right in front of Saint Potter's face. Would the scrawny little piece of flubberworm dung cry when it happened?

Malfoy continued to chuckle as he entered his room. He used his wand to turn on his Wizarding Wireless. He wanted to catch _The Quidditch Round Table _before heading to supper. The Leeds Lightning would be taking on the Chudley Cannons this weekend. Since his father was part-owner of Leeds, Malfoy wanted to see how they'd stack up against the most popular team in Britain.

"_Gonkle and Putnam are going to fly rings around Chudley's Chasers," _said one of the commentators. "_They're far more agile on their brooms than anyone the Cannons have."_

"_That may be true," _another commentator chimed in. _"But once they get by the Chasers and avoid the Bludgers, they still have to contend with Fitterlaum. And you can't argue the fact, the absolute fact, that he's the best Keeper in all of England. Nay, the best Keeper in all of Europe."_

Malfoy snorted. _What a fool._ If Francis Fitterlaum was really the best Keeper in Europe, Father would have seen to it he played for Leeds.

"_I will argue that point with you, Horatio. You obviously have forgotten about Fitterlaum's last match against Dundee when he -"_

The commentator's words got cut off by dramatic organ music. It was followed by a woman's clipped voice.

"_We interrupt this program to bring you a special report."_

"Bloody hell." Malfoy scowled at the Wireless. Of all the times for this to happen.

"_We now take you to Hogsmeade Village and our on-scene reporters, Ralph Dingle and Marcus Pringle."_

Malfoy raised an eyebrow. Hogsmeade? What could be going on there that was so important as to interrupt _The Quidditch Round Table?_

"_This is Ralph Dingle for the Wizarding Wireless News Network reporting on a most unbelievable event. Just a few minutes ago, the village of Hogsmeade came under attack by what authorities describe as . . . a giant chicken heart."_

"A what?" Malfoy's face contorted. This couldn't be real, could it?

_It is on the Wireless. They wouldn't make up something like this._

He sat on the edge of his bed and listened.

"_As we speak, dozens of aurors are standing on the outskirts of Hogsmeade casting spells to defeat this abomination."_

Underneath the reporter's voice Malfoy heard the crackles and pops of spells. He also noted another sound. Something soft and ominous.

_Thump-Thump . . . Thump-Thump._

"_I don't believe this, Dingle. Nothing the aurors are throwing at it is working."_

"_You're correct, Pringle. I can't tell you how many different spells and curses I've seen cast. Yet none of them are even slowing down this . . . Good Lord!"_

Malfoy shuddered and gasped. His heart pounded quicker.

"_It's stepping on the aurors! Squashing them like bugs! And now . . . oh no. Ladies and gentlemen, this is too horrible to describe."_

"_But Dingle, we must describe it. Our listeners have a right to know what could be in store for them if this creature isn't stopped."_

A cold sensation pressed against Malfoy's shoulders and dug into his bones.

"_Yes, you are right, Pringle. The giant chicken heart is grabbing up handfuls of aurors and . . . is eating them!"_

Malfoy took quick deep breaths. Terrified screams filtered through the Wireless, followed by another sound. Malfoy hugged himself when he recognized it.

Chewing.

Through it all, another sound persisted.

_Thump-Thump . . . Thump-Thump._

"_Dingle, look! It seems the giant chicken heart has an auror stuck between its teeth. I bet some Toothflossing Stringmints would take care of that."_

"_Pringle, you insensitive prat! Seeing an auror eaten is nothing to joke about. Think of that poor man's . . . bloody hell! The giant chicken heart has entered Hogsmeade proper."_

Crashes could now be heard over the Wireless. Malfoy shivered as cold gripped his entire body.

_Thump-Thump . . . Thump-Thump._

Merlin's beard, he began to hate that sound.

"_This is horrible. Shops and people are being crushed under the giant chicken heart's enormous feet. Look! Scrivenshaft's Quill Shop has been completely flattened."_

Malfoy clutched his shaking hands as more screams and crashes poured out of the Wireless.

Along with that one ever present sound.

_Thump-Thump . . . Thump-Thump._

_What if this thing reaches Hogwarts?_

Malfoy lifted his knees to his chin and hugged his legs, listening as fear overwhelmed him.

"_Pringle, look! The giant chicken heart has ripped Honeydukes from its foundation and . . . Merlin's beard! The monster has completely swallowed Honeydukes Sweetshop!"_

"_NOOOO!! Dingle, this can't be happening! Honeydukes had the best Fizzing Whizzbees in the world. What am I supposed to do now?"_

"_Pringle, please! Maintain your professionalism. This is a tragic situation here at Hogsmeade."_

"_I'll say it's tragic. So long best Fizzing Whizbees ever. So long to all those delicious flavors of fudge and toffees. I hope you get indigestion, you ugly Son-of-a-"_

"_Enough, Pringle! We have to . . . oh no! The giant chicken heart has just picked up The Three Broomsticks and is shoving it down its gullet!"_

"_NOOO!!! Not Madam Rosmerta! She's too voluptuous to be eaten!"_

"_On that point, I will concur with you, Pringle."_

Malfoy couldn't stop shaking. He clenched his teeth, fighting a losing battle to hold his whimpers at bay.

Was the Ministry sending more aurors to Hogsmeade? Did someone have a plan to stop this chicken heart?

_They have to stop it. If it destroys Hogsmeade . . . we're next._

The reporters practically yelled over the panicked screams and horrendous crashes.

"_The giant chicken heart is still eating people. Can nothing satiate its appetite? I've never seen anything eat so much with the exception of my -"_

"_Dingle, look! The giant chicken heart is eating another building. Oh. Hang on a tic. That's just Madam Puddifoot's tea shop."_

"_Not a big loss if you ask me, Pringle. Worst place to take a girl on a date, especially on Valentine's Day with those stupid floating cherubs and their pink confetti."_

"_Good riddance if you ask me, Dingle. In fact . . . oh look! The giant chicken heart has drooled all over the Hog's Head. Actually, I think that will improve the look of the place."_

"_But who will want to go in there now that the place is covered in drool?"_

"_Who goes into the Hog's Head now anyway?"_

"_Yes, good point, Pringle."_

"What the hell's wrong with you!?" Malfoy yelled at the Wireless. Hogsmeade was being destroyed and Hogwarts could be next, and these two reporters kept cracking jokes?

_"Perhaps if . . . NOOO!!!"_

Malfoy jumped across the width of his bed, shaking as he stared at the Wireless.

"_It's stepped on Zonko's Joke Shop. How could you!? It's in complete ruins. There's nothing left. Oh, the humanity."_

"_Truly a dark day in the history of the British Wizarding Community, Pringle. But wait! It appears more aurors have arrived from the Ministry of Magic."_

A shaky smile spread across Malfoy's lips. They had to stop that monster before . . .

"_The giant chicken heart has scooped up all the aurors in one hand and . . . and . . . it's eaten the lot of them!"_

"No!" Tears filled Malfoy's eyes. His shaking grew fiercer. His heartbeat became almost deafening.

He suddenly realized the heartbeat didn't come from inside his body. It came from the Wizarding Wireless.

_Thump-Thump . . . Thump-Thump._

"_The giant chicken heart is approaching the walls of Hogwarts!"_

Malfoy whimpered and pressed his quivering fists against his mouth.

_Thump-Thump . . . Thump-Thump._

"_It's entered the school grounds!"_

_Thump-Thump . . . Thump-Thump._

"_It's eaten the Whomping Willow!"_

_Thump-Thump . . . Thump-Thump._

"_It's eaten the Quidditch Pitch!"_

_Thump-Thump . . . Thump-Thump._

"_IT'S RIGHT OUTSIDE THE CASTLE!!"_

Malfoy shrieked and bolted off his bed. He tore through the dormitories and into the Common Room.

"It's going to eat us!" he screamed. "It's going to eat us!"

The other Slytherins looked at him in bafflement.

Malfoy kept running and screaming. Let them stay here, then. Let them be eaten. He wasn't going to stick around with a giant chicken heart attacking Hogwarts.

"What's all this racket?"

Malfoy ignored the ghost of the Bloody Baron and raced through the corridors. He had to get out. He couldn't die. He couldn't be eaten.

His lungs burned. Fear kept his legs pumping. Where would he go once he got outside? He didn't know. He'd just keep running. Running was the only way to stay alive.

A black form materialized in front of him. Malfoy grunted as he ran into it. He crumpled to the floor and looked around with wide eyes. He'd fallen just outside the Great Hall. Students from all four tables turned and stared at him. Malfoy quickly picked himself up and glanced at the other Hogwarts students.

_Good. Let the giant chicken heart eat them. I can get away while . . ._

Something grabbed his arm.

"LET ME GO!! LET ME GO!!"

"Mister Malfoy! Calm yourself!"

He suddenly realized who was holding him.

Taking fearful breaths, he stared up into the angry face of Professor McGonagall.

"What in heavens name is the meaning of this? Running around the halls and screaming like a four-year-old . . . and practically knocking me over!"

"It's the giant chicken heart!"

"The what?"

"It's outside the castle! It's going to eat us! Why aren't you doing anything about it?"

"Really, Mister Malfoy. You are too old to be making up such stories."

"I'm not making them up!" Malfoy's voice cracked. "It was on the Wizarding Wireless! It's already destroyed Hogsmeade!"

"Enough of this nonsense. Twenty points fro . . ."

"Who cares about stupid points?! Let me go, damn you! I don't want to die!"

Malfoy ripped his arm from McGonagall's grasp and dashed around the old witch. He hoped she'd be one of the first to be eaten by the monster.

He'd only gotten a few steps past McGonagall when an entire group of students blocked his path.

"Get out of my way!"

"My goodness, Malfoy. You look like you've seen a giant chicken heart."

Malfoy stopped and sucked down deep breaths. He gazed at the familiar students in front of him. Potter, Weasel and his runt sister, Granger the Mudblood, Oliver Wood and his three hag-like Chasers Johnson, Bell and Spinnet. That toerag Lee Jordan . . .

And right in the middle stood Fred and George Weasley. One of them cradled a Wizarding Wireless decorated with multi-colored crystals, the other clutched pieces of parchment. Malfoy stepped closer and stared down at one of the pieces. Even reading upside-down, he could make out the writing.

_GEORGE: Yes, you are right, Pringle. The giant chicken heart is grabbing up handfuls of aurors and . . . is eating them!"_

_RON: (makes chewing noises)_

_LEE: (makes heartbeat noise)_

_EVERYONE ELSE: (scream in terror)_

Malfoy's eyes darted over the group. "Y . . . You?"

"We're sorry, Malfoy." Fred grinned wide. "We were just submitting a play for _The Wizarding Talent Hour."_

"We based it off this Muggle record our dad has," said George. "It's by some Yank named Bill Cosby."

"We had a lot of sound effects we needed to use." Fred nodded to the crystals adorning the Wireless. "I guess our signal got mixed up with yours. Sorry about that."

"Yeah. Sorry."

Wide grins formed on the twins' faces. A snicker burst from Katie Bell's mouth. It quickly turned into a full-blown belly laugh that spread to the other members of the group. The laughter suddenly grew impossibly loud for such a small lot. Swallowing, Malfoy turned around to the entrance of the Great Hall.

An entire mob of students stood at the entryway, all of them in hysterics. Gryffindors, Ravenclaws, Hufflepuffs . . . even a few of his fellow Slytherins.

All laughing at him.

He wanted to vanish. He wanted to yell. He wanted to hit someone. To be embarrassed in front of the whole school like this . . . someone had to . . .

A hand clamped down on his shoulder. He turned and looked up into the stern face of Professor McGonagall.

"Twenty points from Slytherin, and two weeks of detention for you, Mister Malfoy. I will allow you fifteen minutes to eat your supper, then report straight to my office. I think the suits of armor on the fourth floor need a good cleaning . . . without using magic, of course."

Malfoy's face contorted. The anger lines dug deeper into his skin when he heard laughter from the Weasel family and their idiot friends.

"What about them?" He aimed a finger and the Weasel twins. "They started it."

"It was an accident," said Fred.

"Honest it was." This from George.

"And you believe them?" Malfoy turned back to McGonagall.

"This time, yes I will believe them. Oh, and you now have fourteen minutes to eat your supper and report to my office."

McGonagall spun on her heel and strode down the corridor.

Malfoy's shoulders heaved with furious breaths. He looked back at the group, his eyes fixed on Potter, who was laughing hysterically.

Laughing at him.

"Shut up! Shut up, damn you all!"

Malfoy stormed into the Great Hall.

"Be nicer to Muggle-borns next time, Malfoy," Fred called out after him.

"Otherwise the giant chicken heart will get you."

Everyone in the Great Hall howled with laughter at George's statement.

Malfoy continued to fume as he sat down at the Slytherin table.

_They'll pay. They'll all pay. I'll find a way to . . ._

Malfoy's train of thought halted as he stared at his plate. His lips drew back in a sneer. He didn't think it possible to hate Potter and his Weasel friends any more. But after seeing this . . .

On his plate sat a chicken breast in the shape of a heart. A note lay beside it.

_Dear Draco,_

_Please accept this __heart__-felt gift from your pals, Fred & George Weasley._

_P.S. Better eat it before it eats you. Ha-Ha._

THE END –

**AUTHOR'S NOTE: **_This story was based on Bill Cosby's classic routine "The Giant Chicken Heart That Ate New York."_


End file.
